Eyes Opening

When I originally thought about doing this blog I consulted Chat GPT on the best way to lay out this blog so as not to overwhelm with ALL of the thoughts upfront. Don't worry, I am not letting AI help me with the writing. You, are definitely reading, me. ChatGPT just advised that this post should probably be about my Questions and Doubts. But, I do not question or doubt Christianity, nor did I before, during, or after my conversion.  

Our previous church wasn't what I would consider a small church by any means, it was the First Baptist of a suburban city, so it was also a place of community engagement and community respite for things like food and clothing and other needs and services our smaller ministries would do as a collective. However, there was definitely an inner core of around 20 people doing the planning, building, rehearsing, performing, studying, delivering, and preaching. I hear this runs in seasons and that that one was mine. I could praise God freely in this church and I think the teaching was on point 90% of the time. But, we on staff were having issues inside department meetings trying to show how the decisions we were making could lead to growing the congregation, to getting more organized, and to offering more events all while making slight modernization changes to the presentation of the service - all of which I took part in doing. Some of what we were doing I began to question. I would nudge a bandmate who was also a deacon or I might bring it up to an associate pastor like, "Hey did you notice this weird thing that we all seem to think is ok"? I was questioning the motives and tactics behind the organization and very human people who were doing some of the most normal, conservative, but still, just make you cock-your-head-to-the-side-decisions about the little 'c' church for which they also were part of the caretaking process of her. 

Covid was actually one of my busiest times as a Media Manager in this church, but we were still able to do digital collaborative projects, we delivered a sermon to the congregation weekly and special Wednesday messages from the youth and children's pastors. Great things were happening that everyone could see and everyone talked about. But there were other things happening that people could see and it began to be too hard to talk about. I attended this church for just shy of a decade My kids grew most of the way up in this church. But things were not making sense. We were hiring an interim music leader to replace the previous 4 music guys after an awkward not firing of the long-standing but "very old-school" music minister. 

• There were complaints about all of these men, from the congregation, about this or that or the noise level or the vapor/smoke that was causing lung cancer. 
• There were complaints about the style of music being contemporary like today's Christian hits or more 90's and 2000's style with full choir sets. 
• There were complaints about the chairs and how heavy they were and there were also complaints about the colors of the chairs. 
• Some hated the rock walls around our baptismal, others hated the TVs that went up to cover the rock walls. Why did they have to be so bright?
• They complained about whether this pastor was Calvinist or Armenian. "Calvinist? Get him out of here!" 

I lost my mind in complaints. It didn't help that I was going through the wringer at my day job too. I left my position as Media Director in the church and took what I was calling a sabbatical from the praise team and even from attending in congregational fellowship. My husband and I are in the office one night during this time and while in discussion about what we are doing or not doing about our lack of attendance, he begins drawing out a timeline on the whiteboard showing a super condensed version of church history. I being a history lover was able to add otherworldly events that have happened alongside. 

Now I began questioning why, for over 1500 years there were basically 2 messianic churches and then from the 15s on we've split so many times that some of the houses of worship hardly look like God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were even asked to join. I joke-ish about this. Ish. 

I hate church hopping. I think it lends itself to being hypercritical of something that should be Holy. It was the Thursday night before Easter Sunday and Trav looked at me and said, the Catholic church up the street has something called Adoration where we can just sit and pray, wanna go? I was a protestant baptist leaning woman so I wasn't getting any ideas, but I had just been to Israel the year before so I could very easily conjure up the vivid image of me standing in the room where they believe Jesus served the disciples the last supper. I closed my eyes and began to pray. Now, in that sabbatical time, I am sure I prayed. I probably prayed for my girls once or twice and for work to get better, or for my husband, but this night...Holy Thursday I was overtaken in my prayer. None of it was for me. It was a physical experience that allowed me to reflect and worship Jesus for what he did for us. I opened my eyes and Trav gave me the nod that we could just come and go. What felt like 15-20 minutes was nearly an hour of prayer. 

I was ready to at least ask questions of this faith that claims 1500 years of togetherness, but I was really just complying because my husband had asked. I could never become Catholic, there were too many idol worshippy, repetitive chanting, and Mary praying practices for this gal. I would play along but point these issues out and then we would likely end up back at the Baptist church, but as you all know, that is not what happened. 

I have no one person to blame other than myself for refusing to confront the people I had problems with. I still love the people in my previous church with all of my heart. Now, 2 years removed, I miss many of them in the way you mourn the loss of a friend who moves away. Of course, I can call them and I might even someday, but I have some hurt from the name-calling that happened when we sort of started coming out as converting to the Catholic Church. But, I cannot go back. I am here now and I see in fuller color every day. IYKYK.